Confused? Here's the solution!

For those who jumped in and are totally confused you need this road map.
Start reading four blogs back at "The Phases of Life", then read forward, and in retrospect I really confused even me with the Phase Numbers and the Part numbers, but you'll get the drift.
No i'm not depressed (much), nor have I lost it, I just started one of my "stream of consciousness things" and just let it flow. Usually my once a week, and occasionally twice a week were fine but these four parts took on a different twist and all rolled out in about 24 hours.
Back for another spin at lif in a day or so, schedule is incrediblly full the next few days.
Mr. G.

Phase 5 - "Hot damn,...I'm still here! Are you awake honey?"

This one is a stretch for anyone who is not there yet. So it's perhaps more hopeful, or maybe the reverse, of what it really will be, but for you, dear readers, I will try.

Now back to today, Phase 5 - "Hot damn,...I'm still here! Are you awake Honey?"
Humor, inject more humor, life is fun!
It's like the guy who goes to the rest home to visit his Dad, who is 97 and asks the nurse how he's doing, and if there are any new "meds" (medicines) he's taking. She looks at the chart and says "Nothing but the Viagra his Doctor started him on last week. The guy immediatly goes nuts! "What? are you crazy, putting a 97 year old man on Viagra? His heart couldn't take it!"
The nurse smiles and says" You don't understand the Viagra works fine and keeps him from rolling over and falling out of bed and getting hurt, we give it to all the older men."

As I go through life I wonder more about this phase than any other. This is the phase that is internalized more than you'll ever know now. It's the Phase that is characterized by the questions. The ones you never want to ask, let alone know the answers to them.
For example, "Am I here by myself, and where is my "soul mate"? And after all these years can I do for myself any more or just become a burden on others? Where are those who should be visiting me, or do they expect me to buy a Harley and run over to thier place? What is there to eat, it all tastes the same now. And either there is something wrong with me and they are not telling me, or I'm just like a worn out tire and will just keep being til I finally just burst or go flat for the final time and I can't be patched anymore.

Is waking up every day really a whole day, sometimes it's in the middle of the night sometimes it's the middle of the afternoon, who knows anymore,...am I really happy I'm still here?

My "soulmate" is either gone or they won't tell me what's happening to her, I never see her anymore, I never get to hold her anymore, I never even get to touch her hand, or her face, or her hair. Where is she?

Was the sun out yesterday?

How long am I going to be here God?

Time for another nap,...................


Post Script:

Oh shit! Just had a dumb thought. Many of you who read this are probably much younger than I (62), except you Doug, but I won't tell. So when I get to Phase 6 of life the, "The End", how will you know, not that it will matter to me then. But I suppose somewhere in my little ego there are several cells vibrating and saying, "Gee, I hope they do know,...and I hope they at least cared."
So here's the drill. If I "Go" you will know because a month will go by without a single rant, rave, or other "blog". I will write a note for my wife, my kids, or whomever and tell them exactly how to open my computer, open my "blog", enter the proper code word and passwords, and then instruct them that they are to simply write a one line entry and hit "publish". Here is the entry I'll never see, and I hope you don't either, for another 40 years or so;

".....and so he goes."
-30-
Mr. Guinness

(Maybe you can spare a minute and reply, tell my wife, my kids, or whomever just write them "He loved you too,...and so it goes." Thank you.)

Phase 4 - "The Golden Years"

And as Frank Sinatra croons in the background,..."regrets,..I've had a few,..but then again too few to mention", we begin our journey called Phase 4.
"Stay in a small tight group, please campers, this is all new territory to me as well, and I don't want anyone lost in this place"

Now why do we call it the "Golden Years"? Easy 'cause if you ain't got the gold you ain't gonna see them years! (And I'm serious!)
Up 'til now, the Phase 2- Carefree, wonderful period provided the "Gatorade" to keep out spirits up, give us a boost through tough times, kick our ego's back up about ten notches and to give us the opportunity to try those things we did back then and tell everyone else (ooops! I mean "lie to everyone else") about what we had done in life. ("Man back at College we used to go through fifteen cases a beer a weekend, just me and my buddy! And talk about women,....they was like 'One a day multiple brand vitamins', oh yeah, I remember it all clear as a bell.")That was the fuel of Phase 3.
Now entering Phase-4, you get up , look in the mirror and can admit to yourself, that you are full of shit.(This begins about 60 years of life*) But just like a lot of "mutations" I talked about in the Phase I & II blog,... you are ok with it.
(*Note we have changed from "age" to "life" because now that's what it is, "A life examined")
From thirty to sixty, that is the real "ME" period. You have all you can do to take care of "ME" and the "ME's" you've come to call your "dearest and nearest". By 60, your parents are usually gone, (and to quote the great Kurt Vonnegat who died yesterday in New York)..and so it goes. Your kids are "grown" and somewhere in Phases 2 or 3, depending on how you and your "soul-mate" planned your lives,...and so it goes. You're "best friends from Phase 2 & 3, well,... some have died, some are on they're third, fourth or fifth marriage, and the ones you still know, they are,...well, just like you,...and so it goes.
Now you are in the real "what do I want out of life" era, and the answer is two-fold. First you want respect. Not the Hollywood Star respect, not the Secretary General of the U.N. respect, not the limo and chaueffer respect,...just the respect of being a human being who got to this point and has tried very hard to provide for thier parents, siblings, children, neighbors and friends, and above all your "soul mate". (Quick aside; "Soul Mates" are hard to find, hard to really lose despite the human propensity to be f***ing stupid and do f***ing stupid things to each other. I believe a "soul mate" is like life, you are only going to get one. It may take you a number of times to find them, but I believe in a God who will make it happen for you, you will find them,...but YOU have to recognize them!)
Now this period is when the human body wears out, or begins to. A guy you played golf with last year starts showing up at the pub in a wheel chair, if you go to church you begin to see folks you knew ten or fifteen years ago that gave you shit about going to church every Sunday, now they are there in the third pew every week,... and they pray hard. You stop for your daily "pint" and casually ask about a guy that you hadn't seen for the past month or so,.. "Oh he had a stroke,..he's in re-hab now. They say he's doing ok, you'd hardly notice how much he slurs and his right arm will come back to about 60% the doctor told his wife."
At first you'll get depressed because that could be you, and you know it! But then after six months to a year you get to be alright with that too,...and so it goes.
But your world is shrinking. Some are dying off, some are moving away to the "retirement" parts of the country, some are moving to the "retirement homes" of the country, and you are simply looking to survive. You don't care about the new "technology" any more. You haven't a clue what is new in the "music scene", you re-discover so many things of your Phase 1 - Growing up era,like playing cards, reading a book, and just plain talking with other people. You can sit and write a "blog" and be honest, because that's just who you are, how you feel, and what you believe,....and so it goes.
You are still tied to this earth by "the Gold" so it becomes much more important. Decisions have to be made by some as to whether to buy the perscription for the blood pressure, or enough food to eat until the week end. Some hunker down over thier "portfolios" every day to be sure they never have to make those kind of decisions, and yet others just "start a new life".

Starting a new life is easy at this age. It's almost like Popeye says "I am whats I am". It's too late to make many significant changes in your lot in life, the respect you wanted "back then" is non-existant, if you want to wallow in "pity parties" fine, so what the hell,...start a new life.
Go to work in some little job doing some little something, for some little pay. You get some BIG respect there. Go volunteer and help somebody else who can't. There ain't no bigger boost to self respect than that, and after all self respect is the most important kind.
While "old farts" cuddling up on the couch is replulsive to some I defy anyone to tell me, or anyone else, that "cuddling" is not the best medicine for anything, anytime, anywhere, at any age.
Kick back and explore the world, maybe you can't actually go to the far reaches of the world, but I'd trade the beauty of going there via a book, a film, or a travel-log at that age,... over a case of "Montezuma's revenge" in the mid sixties!
But then again, remember how a sun rise looked, or a sunset, or azure waters lapping on a snow white beach, or a little hummingbird just hanging in mid-air, or the gentle warmth of the sun in the late afternoon, and the gentle breeze on the porch in the evening. Of course you do, you now know thier importance in life, so see the sunrise, the sunset, the beach, the hummingbird, and feel the breeze. This is the YOU time of your life.
The "you time" is way different from the "me time" the you time is unselfish, honest and best when shared with that "Soul Mate", a son or daughter, or a grandchild, or just with a friend.
It is a period of transendental movement for you. You will transend yourself, your world, and your age. You will find that you have indeed found what man has sought for the ages.
You have found,... the meaning of life, and you have lived it.

Phase 5 - "Hot damn,...I'm still here. Are you awake Honey?" will be published on Wednesday and will conclude this "blog".
Back to being just a "blogger" later in the week.

-30-

The Phases of Life - Part II

Ok, for anyone who is not too depressed or who has not slashed thier wrists yet, or running down the street yelling "Not me! It ain't gonna happen to me!" from reading yesterday's Phases of Life Parts I & II here we go for today.
Oh, just as a very brief summary of parts I & II in case your scroll button quit working, it's simple. "Yes Virginia,...we do eat dessert first, (or do we?)"

Phase III - or the "You better get your shit together" period. This starts out in the 35 to 45 year period. The darling little angels you've spawned seem to want to exercise thier rights to Phase I of thier own life, the carefree, wonderful period. But you in your "been there, done that" style, (substitute the word "wisdom")try and save them from themselves, but guess what? They won't listen! Does that really come as a shock to you? It shouldn't. But I digress.
Soon you learn that adding sufficient antiacid tablets, (the damn food in this world is getting crazy, it must be the Jalepeno's and other foreign stuff) , Ibuprofhen for the aches, and the "new" regimen of an 81mg. "baby" asprin daily, added to your Phase I multi-vitamin, B-complex and 1500 mg. Vitamin C (time released of course) are just barely getting you through most days. But then either one of your "friends at work", or "the guy down the block" drops dead. You sluff it off. But your wife doesn't. All of a sudden you start noticing the menu at home changes a bit. "Honey, are we out of butter? How come this "canola spread" thing is here, and why did they cut back on the number of rolls in that little frozen tin thing?" Or it may seem like you need a Safari guide to find the red meat on your plate, or you begin to wonder why you are growing gills after what seems like fish every night for a year!
Then one night, after dinner, as you loosen your belt a notch, ("No I'm not getting fat, the damn leather is shrinking, the belt is ten years old, but it's my favorite!) Then you lean back in your recliner to see if both your socks are the same color. (Hey! It happens, it's dark in the morning. When you're getting dressed for work at 5a.m., because you have that damn report that has to be done today, you become acutely aware that turning on the light would most likely cause a sensation like a pillow hitting you in the side of the head and a sound, a sort of garbled angry mumbling from the creature of the black lagoon sort of sound, coming up from under the covers where you thought your loving wife, mother of your children, your beautiful idol of 20 or so years, your partner in everything, had leaned over from and sweetly kissed you good night last night!
Anyway as you try and convince yourself that it's just the light that makes one sock look blue, and the other black, your wife comes in and says something like, "You know our health insurance covers a physical every year for you and you haven't had one since we've been married." (We are now entering the "selective era"of Phase III, that's when wife begins to think hubby is going deaf, and hubby has mastered the focused concentrated stare of a the most skilled diamond cutter about to make the final cut, on whatever is blathering from the television) He grunts. (not being sure if it's a "yes" or a "no" grunt, wife continues) "You know you're not getting any younger" Now he's forced to reply, "Ok, so call and make me an appointment." (That takes care of that,...he thinks.) a week or so later he's getting instructions on getting blood work done before the appointment and things like a colonoscopy before the appointment, as he's getting toward fifty, oh and after the initial physical there will most likely be a "stress test" and electrocariogram. this is when the Phase 3 becomes full blown, and they try and kill you on a damn treadmill!
"Shit, what if I'm not ok?" "Shit, what if I am the next "guy at the office"!" And the panic mode sets in! You're lawyer gets space in your speed dial, as does your stock broker, your banker, and your insurance guy,...what was his name? You've got them all jumping like a chicken on a hot griddle and you haven't even got the blood drawn yet. That's why this phase is the "You better get your shit together" period.
Three months later,...you are going back to church, the beer in the fridge is of the "Light" variety, the produce drawer is also crammed full of every form of rabbit food on this earth, and you now seem to see the "cholesterol count" on the label before you even see what's in the can. But you are still a doubter,..."He's just putting me on that cholesterol pill to get more free lunches from the drug salesmen, and how can I have high blood pressure, shit I'm so laid back I can crawl under a snakes belly without even mussing my hair!!" (Good news women, at this point the male ego is pliable, he may be a doubter,...but he's not a gambler. He'll take whatever the doctor tells him to and mutter something like feeling like "a damn guinea pig". Smile inwardly as he still believes he is the first cousin of Superman!)
TV is now something that has become a reverse alarm clock. You turn it on, sit back and "poof" you are snoring (at least that's what she alleges!) But you are now comfortable that you and her are really "mates", she does Suduko stuff, you are trying to calculate in your head exactly how much you got coming when you retire (and it's still in the "if you retire" background as you look at the mortgage payment, the cost of health insurance, a new car now that is almost twice what you paid for your first house almost 30 years ago! Yup, retirement is looking like dim!)
(Guys, beware of the dreaded "Red Hat Society". It's a club kind of thing for women over fifty. I heard one interviewed last week and the host asked her what they did and she said "We shop and we eat lunch out together several days a week" I'm not lying that's what she said!! It's not too late to consider a pre-nuptial agreement is it?)
Oh and yes you are absolutely right. Don't throw out the old clothes they come back around every fifteen years or so, I don't care what SHE says!
Well What's his name married what's her name and there's a little kid who shows up three or four nights a month at the house, calls you Gramp Pa, that we have to "babysit for" while his folks (one of whom, the phase 2 man that supposedly is your son who is going bald, keeps calling you "Dad"!)
"Hey honey, screw it we could both be dead next week, let's take acruise this fall."
"But the savings we've worked so hard to accumulate,, we might need it to be more comfortable in retirement. You know you're 58 now, and 65 comes around quickly."
"Yeah,...I guess you're right. Then let's go out to that new Italian restaurant that just opened for dinner."
"Tom, you know that's going to aggravate your ulcer, all the acid in the tomato sauce, and all."
"Well how about the Chinese place then."
"Same thing, the MSG and the salt, plus a lot of that Chinese food is fried, and Lord only knows what kind of oil or fat they use,... not that they would tell you if you asked."
"Shit, I'm only 57, what the hell happens when I hit 60????"

That will be the next Installment. (Cue the announcer!)

"Will Tom see 60, the Phase 4 of Life - "The Golden Years". And then dear reader, there is Phase 5, that begins at 75 years of age. It's titled from the early morning wake up comment of former "Golden Year Graduates". It's called the "Hot Damn,... I'm still here, ..you awake Honey, period"

The phases of life!

Thus far a great day, in great measure because of my friend Jezzy and her blog. (See my sidebar for her link) Ok, it's waxing philosophically time here in "the Pit".
Jezzy, you touched a nerve, it's been where I am now that's been putting me in "blue funk" land, and a lot of the time I forget my own credo to "step back, smell the roses, and move up to a higher place in your mind and heart" life is a fleeting thing and he who takes it too seriously gets to the end and says "Is that it? Is That all there is?",....because they missed it as they lived it. I tend to be the most guilty about that, if the truth be known.
Before you finish my this blog, please go read Jezzy's, then come back.

Phase 1 - Carefree, wonderful fun, and unbridled enthusiasm. This is the 16th to 30th years of your life. (1 to 16 were just learning and accumulating "stuff", advise from friends and parents, advise from teachers, advice from coaches, and advise from "best friends".) Into the 15 years of the "carefree period" you begin to experiment with life, focus on anything within your line of sight, and particularly appearing in your mirror. You push to know exactly how many beers can I consume before I pass out (shit, I lost count and don't remeber,..sigh, ..guess I'll have to do it again!)My body just never fails me, by twenty three, or four, not a sign of a "beer belly", and still strong as an ox without a worry of having to "work out". And girls,....well they are out there like so many flowers waiting to be gathered up. Yeah we have to work, but that's only "because", because we need more money for beer, a faster sharper car, a "get-a-way" to the Islands to see what else is out there with my "buds" (mates in Australian talk I think). Now this phase is the foundations of our memories that will accompany us for the remaining years of our journey. It doesn't "end" like a race, it sort of "mutates" beginning around 25 and shuddering it's last breath at about thirty.
Mutation - a change from the original as required, dictated, or evolved in the journey of life

Phase 2 - I'm a responsible adult,..almost! This is where memories of carefree and wonderful become the padding in our lives to keep us moving forward despite reality beginning to intrude. Parenthood, better job, or uncontrolled urge to "go it on my own", the old "bod" not cooperating as well as it used to (three beers and 9p.m. is a must to be "bright eyed and bushy tailed" for tomorrow, and monday through friday "parties" are an absolute no-no.) So what's it going to take to make more and be able to get rid of the old futon and get a real bed, (maybe that's why my back aches!) or how about a little better wardrobe, like maybe more that a drawer full of tee shirts and four pair of jeans, and thoughts like "sure would be nice, I mean really nice to find a real "soul mate" and settle in a bit. I guess girls really are women now and are more muti-functional" that I thought before. Oh and I know I'm not the one with the "biological clock", but it might be nice some times to just hang out with my own kid, you know, throw a baseball, kick a soccer ball, go nutsy on some junk food. (sigh) gee I guess I am getting older.
(FLash forward a couple of years) "Honey, why's the baby crying again I changed his diapers this morning when I woke up and it's only noontime!" And then you sit down to be sure you have enough for you and your wife to take that weekend get-a-way when your sister comes to visit for a week,...."Honey, where did all the money go?" We seem to be paying a hospital full of Doctors all the time. My old dog Herbie never got this many shots and he turned out fine!"
"And how much does the baby eat anyway, the grocery bills have almost doubled"
"I guess we can skip the weekend away and just have the Johnson's over for a cook out, he can bring the beer."
Then phase 2 begins to wane beginning at about 40 or so. "Honey maybe we ought to think about joining a health club or something, you know? I just can't drop this extra ten pounds and my jeans are shrinking or something. Are you using a new laudry detergent or something?"
"Oh and Bob and Mac asked me to go play golf with them Saturday morning, you don't mind do you? I mean you are usually doing your shopping, and Little Bobby has that two day football camp thing this week end, and Laurie and her girl friends are all going to some party at the sorority so she'll be upstairs with the other two giggling and screeching all day with that "stuff" they call music blaring."

Phase 3 - .....

Got to wait til tomorrow for phase three (hint: been there done that, getting the tee shirt in a few more years) and my look ahead into (God I love Star Trek!) "Where no man has gone before." (Cue the orchestra, cue the Orchestra, quick)

Today's brain teaser who used to say "TTFN"? Winner gets a secret report on the final 2008 United States election results,...next week!

-30-

We are all going seriously mad!!

Get ready for what I call an "old fart post". It's just that the older I get the absolutely daffier this entire world gets!! Help! Where are the Martians when you really need them!
I'm going to number these things so I can get them all done. Obviously it's going to take more than a single "blog" to handle them. Secondly I'm asking for your help as well. I'm sure each and every one of you has things which really "trip your trigger" as well. Comment at the end of this and let me know you're "hot button" and we'll see if I agree or not.
(Oh! Great concept "Hot Buttons" maybe I can design something and we can award them to worthy poster as well as market them on the net!)

#1 - Ok I'm a Christian, a Roman Catholic in fact. My life beliefs include a "God" who does not advocate hurting other human beings. Now my Jewish friends have a "God" who according to thier Bible says basically if they hurt you you can hurt them! (The eye for an eye thing.)Now who the hell are these "whacko's" whose "God" tells them if they ain't with us,..."off 'em"? Now I'm not saying all Muslims are bad, as neither are all anybody else "bad", but what I am saying is simply that it's time to "saddle up" and go find these clowns and do WHATEVER IT TAKES" to rid them from breathing the air of intelligent people. Bigot you say,...NAY says I. I'd blow them away as soon as I'd blow away a whacko Jew, or a whacko Christian! They are not Muslims, Jews, or Christians at all. They are the evangelical branch of the Fundamentally Whacko Church!
Now Hitler made no provision for "good" or "bad" amongst the Jews and Gypsies and non-heterosexuals of the world,...hence he was a certifiable WHACKO. And these dudes are as well. Take off the gloves and let's just do it! Shoot them in the street and leave them to bleed to death, torture and humiliate them where ever and when ever you find them,...anyone with a problem with that? Oh, but what about the innocent ones, I hear form the back of the room. If you're innocent stand up and be counted, rat out a bad guy, show us, (the rest of the world) how really civilized you want to be. Don't say your prayers five times a day and then go home and stash some C4 for your neighbor. Shove it up his ass and air condition his colon for him!!
I keep going back to Winston Churchill who once said "there are only two countries in the Middle East, Egypt and Isreal, ...the rest are all tribes."
Let's just call the old "biggie" in Pakistan and give him two weeks to turn over the local "Whackos" and prove he gave us all of them, or we'll just come in and get them ourselves. How do we tell? Easy We give all the guys a sixpack of Bud, a Playboy magazine, and see who says "No", they are gone! Let's pack Gitmo up to the roof until the whole damn nation of Cuba sinks into the ocean. (Bye Fidel we let you lolly gag around about six decades too long anyway!
Then the whacko Iranians!

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Damn, I guess I didn't fry as many brain cells as I thought. I finished another greuling meeting this morning (saturday no less) with Engineers, Attorneys, one of my entire Board of Directors, and little ol' me and that went very well. Five months of work building to the creation of a very well deserved lawsuit for $4 Million plus with me basically designing, and executing most of the strategy and plans and after an hour and a half with the Board (neat aside this is the very first time I've laid eyes on two thirds of the Board of Directors!)and they pulled the trigger. All the ducks are in a row, all the "i"'s are dotted, the "t"'s crossed, and we are good to go. I'm looking for at least a $5,000 "Consulting Bonus" on this one. But that was good.
Went out to my office made some notes, checked my mail and all, and heaaded home to relax a bit.
In the mail was this big manila envelope from the Professional Accreditation Group and I wondered what was in that, so I popped it open expecting advertising, but no.....it was my exam results for the correspondance coursse I just completed the test for the 23rd of March! An 88%, I passed!!!! Wooo! Woooo!
So now I've completed enough credits to take the last exam I need to become nationally certified and increase my earning potential by about $10,000 immediately, AND once I pass that test I earn another professional Designation as well from the Accrediting group. Kind of like you Bachelors and Master's in one fell swoop. I have the necessary four years "experiance" required as well.
This leaves me two more courses before I can apply for "The case Study" a one month super grueling "Mission Impossible" sort of Doctorate in this field of Community Association Management. When you apply they give you a couple of choices of places to go, you pick where you want to go, they give you the name of an Association in that area who has agreed to "host " you, and you have 30 days to go in there analyze the entire Association, overhaul it from top to bottom (on paper) create the manuals, policies, rules, necessary document changes, etc. and have to turn in your "thesis" by the 30th day. It is then gone over by a Board of Professionals who are compertely familiar with the property, and you have to defend your "Report" and every comma or paragraph in it until they are satisfied. There is no "re-take" , no "corrections" etc. It's a pass/fail deal and all on your nichel, the travel, the 30 days expenses, everything! You pass you join the ranks of a mere 1600 human beings in this country, you fail,....back to the drawing board and try it all over agoan, if you can afford it!
I think I'll just relax on my laurels for a couple of years before I try that burrito! Having the equivalent of the "Masters" is enough right now, so I'll just concentrate on getting more "wisdom" and starting my own Company. (How else am I going to be able to take a whole month off to do this thing??
Right now it's time for a celebratory couple of pints if Vitamin "G" (Guinness for you non-vitamin lovers :)
-30-

My "Get up and go" done got up and went!

Got plenty of rest this weekend, got plenty of food, minimized "alcholic libations" (to a degree), went to church, so I should be ready to go back to work today,.....but I'm not.
Maybe I'm enjoying the peace and quiet at the new office too much, or then again maybe I just need more "down time". Who knows, certainly not me. I've got a big conference call this afternoon at 4 p.m. otherwisw I'd wrap it up earlier than usual today and chill out at the Pub. But got to take the phone call!
It all started when I sat down to do budget planning for myself. (It's a well thought out exercise I've been doing for years just before my employment anniversary date.) It's done with the "raise" in mind. Sort of my "personal philosophy of adequate compensation"
I started it years ago when I had my own companies, and it's pretty simple. If you've ever tried to get a job, or change jobs, or otherwise looked to improve your "lot" in life there are multiple factors at play. Everyone of them can be good, or bad for you in both the long and short runs. For example, you really want the job, you are all "gung-ho" about it as a career builder, etc.etc.,...but several months later while you are trying to figure out how to make your paycheck get you a point you can even think about buying meat again it strikes you,..."I'm slowly starving to death at this job!". Or maybe as you are sitting having your evening meal at about 9:30 pm it dawns on you you haven't seen the sun either rise or set in weeks! You're into the office, or whatever, before it comes up, you don't get done 'til after it's set, and you feel totally buried in work.
So why do you do it? Answer is usually a lame one like "Well, what else am I going to do?"
Get off your arse and smell the roses. You are no better than a chunk of meat hanging in the Butchers window. You are worth what the market will bear, or whatever you can be had for. That's the plain and the simple of it.
I've always thought this bullshit is almost a self filling phrophecy. For example, how bloody hard are you going to be ABLE to work when you don't make enough to pay all your bills? Or when you are basically rationing a bottle of peanut butter and a loaf of bread and hoping you make it to payday, or that someone says, "come on, I'll buy"? So what can be done? Exactly what I started practicing years ago.
I never, ever quibble about what an employer offers to pay me,...EVER! I nevere go around the office or whatever whining about making ends meet,...EVER. I tackle every task and project like Hercules on steroids, ....an d never approach the boss for a raise,...EVER! Why because I'm not stupid. I know I'm learning valuable insights as to the business, valuable experiance in handling clients, valuable connections and a reputation in or at whatever it is I am doing. Soooo, who do you hurt if you, my boss or employer, fail to take care of me properly? Why you silly, and your business, because I gave you the opportunity to have me, I gave you the opportunity to watch my work, my reliability, my "output", my ability to work with every range of person on this earth, and you gained HUGE insights as to who I am.
And the bottom line is simply this. If your almighty dollar in your pocket means that much to you, if that little voice in the evil part of your mind says "you got him he's not going anywhere and you can flip him crumbs and he'll be grateful" If this is how you think, you absolutely will lose with me, becasue I'll drop you like a hot rock at a time and choosing of my own, and usually when you least expect it!
When I hired people for my own companies that I owned they would always ask "How much do you pay?" and my answer was always "How much do you want?". While they mulled that over and were wondeering if I was a whacko, or it was a "trick question" and if they answered too high I would just brush them off, I'd proceed to tell them this.

"I'll pay you whatever you want me to pay you within reason, that's fair. So if you want $800 a week, that's what I'll pay you, because that's what you are telling me you are worth, and I'd be stupid not to hire some one that good over a petty thing like salary. BUT I also know what you should be sharing with me for the $800 I'm going to give you. Again the bottom line is sort of a variation on the golden rule, If you tell me you want "X", and I know what I expect you to deliver for that "X" then as long as we both live up to our end of the bargiain all is fair and equal. You can't be pissed at me for "under-paying", and I can't be pissed for you "under-performing". All we have is a simple equation of relative values for both of us to be happy!
Now in the event that you are indeed not deliverying enough to justify what you asked for, PLEASE fully understand that difference must dictate how long I can reasonably be expected to hold up my end of the bargain and deliver you the weekly check,right? If you are delivering $750, or $785 in business I can be alittle more patient than if you are only delivering $300, or $400, or even $500 in business. So all I ask is that you too think like I have to as a businessman and THEN tell me what you want to make. Remember YOU KNOW what you got, and I'm willing to put my money square on your promise to me that you will indeed deliver. But the wider the difference in our joint agreement for your pay versus your work the less time I can keep you here taking money away from my own family. Now is that so hard to understand?
Surprise, folks thought a little harder, and some just flat out knew they were not prepared to work that hard and simply thanked me for my time and left. That's how life should be, a fair days work for a fair days pay, AND a fair days pay for a fair days work.
Think about it. Where are you on the "fair scale",...anmd how about your company?
-30-

I think I killed the golden goose!!

That's what happens when you don't follow the directions that say "you should back up your template in case you make erros in the new one first"
So I did not, so I said "shit how hard can it be?"
Hopefullly I can summon up enough grey matter to figure this shit out again. (At my age we are into a "set it then forget it" mode. Life is getting too short to try and remember everything!

Stupid people, in stupid times

Welcome to spring break in Florida! Yesterday we had two drownings, earlier this week some shit-faced kid fell off a three story roof (don't even ask why he was up there!)he did't get hurt because he was so freaking drunk! Proves the old adage "God takes care of drunks and sinners" (maybe I should think about that a little more and stop being a good guy. Naw...then my stupid conscience would just nag the shit out of me, I'd stress big time, get sick and have a heart attack, ....then what?)
It's a Saturday morning and sunny, warm and beautiful, in the mid 70's, so how does my day off start? "ring", "ring", "Hello it's me"(I know who I am, but do you?) Yeah it's me, (the maintainance guy at one of my more prestigious properties) So here's the conversation:
HIM: "ah,..I,..um found some stuff in the hot tub"
ME: " so you thought you'd call me on Saturday morning at 8 am to tell me?"
HIM: "Well...I think there were some improprieties going on here last night,...you know?"
ME: "Like what?"
HIM: "Well,...there was a pair of panties and a used condum in the hot tub."
ME: "Well,...I guess that's a pretty good clue. So why are you calling me?"
HIM: "I guess we'll have to start a security patrol next week."
ME: " Now that's another good thought."
HIM: "Yeah.So what do you want me to do about this "stuff"?"
ME: "So get it out of the hot tub, trash it, drain the hot tub, sanitize it, and refill it."
HIM: "Oh, ok I'll get started on it next."
ME: "No wait a minute, why don't we just leave it where it is, call the newspaper and get them to do a story on it. And don't forget to tell every guest and owner about it, not to mention thier kids."
HIM: (loooong silence) "really?"
ME: (sigh) No not really, just clean it all up and don't go blabbing it all over the place. I was only chidding.....You do understand that, right?"
HIM: "oh sure, I knew that. But do you want me to tell anyone else about it?"
ME: "NO!! Just clean it up and go about your business. Have a good day."

And thus begins my "day off".
Know anyone wanting to be a "Courtesy Patrol" agent for my property. Perverts not allowed.
Well, I'm going to have some coffee and watch the sun rise a little higher in the skys.
Be well.
-30-

Paddy's Day and still alive!

Bit of a silly title, but there you have it. As a second generation Irish American, and proud of my families heritage, I guess I'm expected to kill large quantities of brain cells on March 17th! DUH! That's amateur night, I let the Scots, the French, the Polish, and the Russians all do that. I go home early, sit back have a few pints and get up feeling fine the next day! (Boring, but you know every cop within a thousand miles is looking to bag Paddy's Day revelers!)
So this morning I'm into severee "crunch mode" a/k/a "cram time". I've got to take this test on this course I've been taking this week and it's the last step in becoming the "professional" in my trade. The last step before putting my own Company together and starting back into the almost better than sex thrill of owning your own business. (No I'm not crazy, you have not lived until you've owned your own business now that is the biggest rush there is aside from the aformentioned sex thing!)
I'll try and describe it for you. First there is no "boss" but you, so the rules, the policy, the system, the entire enchilada is yours. Don't like the hours, just change them!, Don't like the dress code,...change it! Want to make more money than ever before,...go get it! Want a wee wet bar in your office,....feel free! Imagine if it really was "all about you"!
Now don't go running out to open an office just yet,...then there is the other side of it. What do you mean there were no checks in the mail today? (Oops, guess I gotta go out and do something to earn it!) And the nerve of the newly hired Administrative Assisstant asking where her first paycheck was! Guess she didn't know that if the mailbox has no checks we have no payroll,...silly twit, she just needs to have faith. They'll be beating the door down any day now. Maybe in the meantime I'll "squeeze in" a round of golf, my schedule seems pretty open this week.
Now dear reader I presume you're getting the picture. I credit you all with great intelligence on this scenario.
Truth is you work harder than you've ever worked, you work longer than you've ever worked before ("Honey, can you swing by the office and drop me a clean shirt,....and I promise I'll be home before midnight, I promise, I just have a few finishing touches to put on this proposal and have it in the mail dated today.")
Regular meals means you know what time MacDonald's and Burger King both open and close, and peanut butter and crackers are one of the four food groups. (The other three are coffee, bagels, and hot dogs!) But the riush is incredible. The human body and it's bucket full of brain cells is an absolutely marvelous machine. It can flex in almost circles, it can function more continuous hours than in a day on a quick "nap", hunger? What's that, only another six or eight pages then I'll think about eating. Your own business is the world's best diet, I guarantee you will be losing weight big time if you are paying attention to business and making sure that mailbox fills up with checks from your clients and customers so you can feel the rush of signing your first paycheck to an employee. And what about the thrill of just "casually" passing out YOUR busness card with the word "President" orr "Owner" under your name. God life is good.
You will sleep the sleep of the dead, you will not remeber laying your head on the pillow because you closed your eyes first, and that was what seems like only three minutes ago and the alarm is just about to go off in another three more minutes!
Granted owning your own business is wonderful, for some. It can be hell for others, but the bottom line boils it down to only a couple of questions. Here is your test:
1. Where would you draw the line at giving up your time, your social life, and your belief in yourself to succeed?
2. Do you REALLY believe in whatever the business you want to start, and do you have a single doubt that it may not make it?
3. Do you really mind leaving for the two day vacation on Wednesday and being back at the desk on friday?
4. Can you commit to "give up" everything you have to follow a dream,...your dream, whatever it is?

Me I love it, sure some fail, some succeed, some make money and spin it off to you and others suck it in like a giant vacuum cleaner. But at the end of the "journey of life" I can honestly say, "been there, done that, got the tee shirt" There will never be a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that surfaces sometimes and says, "Gee I wonder where I'd be if I had followed that dream or idea I had "back then" !"
Like Mr. Spock used to say, "Live long and prosper"
-30-

Time flies when you are up to your ass in alligators!

Sorry folks, I didn't realize it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote anything. Bad me! Consider me chastized.
It's been a very, very busy time. The "powers that be" decided to rearrange all the deck chairs on the Titanic a few weeks ago, and until friday at 4:30pm when they made the final changes and sent everyone an e-mail about "who's on first" it's been a circus.
I came out of it pretty good actually. I wound up being able to "dump" a couple of accounts that were just plain train wrecks looking for a place to happen. One of them is perhaps the closest thing I've come to in seriously contemplating a hit man as a solution to maintaining a sense of decorum and order. They are just plain DUMB, and unfortunately too damn DUMB to realize they are DUMB!!! But they are gone, and may all thier toilets get stopped up and may they drown in it!
The second one I dumped is another story. They don't know they are broke and want me to tell them it's not so! DUH! No the place didn't get re-landscaped becasue you don't have the money to pay the landscaper, and no the hot tub is not running because it is a piece of crap that is so far on the road to the happy hunting ground of old hot tubs that even God could not walk across it's water. And by the way did I tell you that your hurricane insurance is going up another 50% this year, and you had a bitch of a time paying last years bill!
The thrid one I lost was a sweetheart, I'm really going to miss them. They would tell me thier concerns, leave me alone, and back me when it came to resolving things. Hell I got them a settlement on some really serious issues and about $80,000 worth of repairs without even threatening to go to court or hire any "big gun" attorneys! (See you can draw more flys with honey than vinegar!) And they appreciated it and told me so, which does wonders for my ego as well.
But on the "flip side"I picked up a few good ones. One is virtually brand new, has over $200,000 "extra" in the bank they didn't know they had, and is a "hot property" (meaning everyone wants a place in there, so regardless of the "soft" real estate market it's still revolving door time in sales at this place. Another one I got was an older property, but as long as it is a clean and well lighted place they are happy as clams.
The last one I got is not even developing yet I think, but I'll have to check that out this week.
It's like the guy juggling the spinning plates like I've told you, but now I have to off load three plates and be sure the new managers are up to speed on them at the same time I have to take on three and keep them spinning. No wonder I'm slleping like the dead for 8 hours a night and working like crazy the other 15!
(Ok, so 8 and 15 don't equal 24, but my deep meditation and divine contemplation period with a pint or two at Buster's is mandatory for sanity!! Or as da' kid frum Brooklyn would sez, "So jews gots some kinda problem wit dat shit, or dues I gutta re-edjewcates you wid a pipe?)
I planned on spending about five or so hours on my business laptop today, but the damn charger is at work and the battery ("bat tree", as my Canadian friends would say" is at the "critically low" stage and all it does is tell me that and shut off!!)
Ok today's open letter of rant and absolute disgust goes to Bill Gates;
Dear Bill,
You can take your "new" "Vista" operating system and shove it! The commercials with Apple and PC and the dude in the dark glasses and suit dont even begin to tell the story! (But I will!)It has to be by far the worst operating system I've seen in thirty years oof playing with 'puters. It's slow, it's about as "intuitive" as a brick, it's not even close to being "fun" or "good". The little hourglass was annoying, but it went back and forth. This new little circle that keeps going round and round is annoying as hell. Maybe they should have made that the logo and a tag line of "Go round and round becasue we don't care!" And the "soft pastels" may sooth a savage beast, but a pissed off user can not be soothed, only totally frustrated.
I just blasted it completely off my personal laptop and went to a real tech and told him just put my XP pro back on and make sure not a single bit, byte, or other piece of shit from "Vista" is left on it.
My opinion and the "story behind the story" I think is perfectly clear, ready for this?
Microsoft made a really great op system in Windows NT, which they marketed toward business so it had to be good, but that was back in the early to mid 90's. It tried to cobble some crap together and called it "Windows '95" and tried to get business to consider it. But it had more bugs in it that a sailor on a two week liberty in a whore house. But the gullible consumer market and the geeks jumped on it. Then they tried again with Windows '98, another disaster. So maybe only one weeks liberty in the whorehouse. Then some idiot got the bright idea to put out Windows 2000, and rename "NT", Windows 2000 Pro. Then they realized they broke away from the numbers game and a lot of people might think that's the last system they ever needed, so guess what "XP" comes along, in two glorius flavors, Home edition or "XP Pro" (which I still believe was "NT" with a new suit!) Then the rumors started that the all new top secret "ultra super dooper colossal" operating system would replace both of them and the whole world would have a thousand years of piece. From where I'm sitting it's worse than putting a new suit on Windows '95 and marketing it as "new and improved".
Feel free to disagree, I really don;t care, becasue I'm going back to XP for the next foreseeable millenium. (Oh by the way the new "Office suite" be real careful if you just "save" a spreadsheet and send it to someone on the "old office suite" they won;t be able to open it. (Gee sounds suspiciously like a plot from the evil empire in Redmond Washington to force everyone to get the new office, since the old version has been so flawless for the past ten years!)
Well Mr. Gates, I hope you are enjoying your untold ga-billions of bucks and the richest man in the world lapel pin, but you'll have to do it without my money from here on out.
Bottom line I think you tried to get rid of the "windows crap, dump the "NT" kernal and base, and develop a "one size fits everyone" and seek the position of "security safe forever",.....ain't happening Bo-bo!
-30-

"Times up,....put down your pencils!"

Yep! That's what's running through my head today. So off we go to write about it,( and whereever my mind goes during this writing period!)
Ok, I mentioned this correspondance course I've got to have completed and be tested on by the 24th of March. You know the one I've been procrastinating on doing since last September! It's not that it's difficult, or even trying, but it is a redundant testing procedure that bugs me! First I have to pick a proctor (test overseer) from this book they provided with the course. (No problem, there's one about ten miles from the house.) Next I have to notify, er, excuse me, "ask" the proctor if he would be interested in accomodating me and giving me the exam. (Still no problem because these proctors have all reached the pinnicle of my profession accreditation wise and they would no sooner think of giving you a "free ride" than the Doctor who is ok with overlooking your 3 pack a day cigarette habit during your annual physical!) Then I have to fill in the proctors name, address and phone number and mail it back on the appropriate form to the national headquarters of this particular accreditation group. (Again, piece of cake!) Then in ten days, after checking with the proctor that he has agreed and will administer the test, oversee it, make sure I don't cheat, etc.etc. the National place will send him the test directly to his home addresss so I can't even steam it open, or better yet use my X-ray vision on the envelope. (Hmmmm, let's see, I'm into this for $395 for the course, 37 cents for the letter to them telling them who was going to be my proctor, not bad so far!) The proctor tells me when he has the test, I make an appointment within ten days after that and take the test. He then signs hos life away vowing on his first born's life and whatever else is sacred that it was properly administered, he witnessed me take it, he has copies of my driver's licence to accompany this test I completed, and his professional reputation and accreditation will be "pulled" if it ever happens that he lied, I cheated, and/or anything else "improper" occured. (Whew!!! Glad that's all done.)
Now he mails it back to the national office, they grade it, and in about two weeks I get the word by mail, pass or fail, no grade, just pass/fail.(Great, now I know, but now, as Paul Harvey says, "the rest of the story".)
IF I pass this test I then get the privelege of driving about 90 miles to an outside independant testing service and taking another computerized test on the same material! The only good news is that is an "instant grade" and I know within 60 seconds of handing in my "pass card" which allowed me to log on to the computer to take the test in the first place, then my driver's licience picture forwarded to the testing center from the national accreditation center, who got it from the original proctor, and they compare that to my licience by asking me to show it to them after I finish the test and put a "code" into the computer, and "voila" in ten seconds it says "Pass" or "Fail" and they print me a copy at the same time it is electronically sent back to the National Acreditation center!You still with me here? So you think it's over now? Nope!,..read on.
Then I get to fill out a ten page form, have it notarized by my employer, send a copy of my State issued licience for my profession, read and sign off on a four page "Code of Ethics" of my profession, and send it to the National Office. Oh yeah, I forgot the Cashiers Check for two hundred and fifty bucks that "must be enclosed to be considered". THEN in about four weeks I get a congratulations letter authorizing me to put the four little letters of certification after my name. (Oh by the way I get to renew them every other year for on $150, and by the way since I'm getting two professional acreditations double the money!!
The good news is that my Company will pop for $500 for each accreditation I get so all is not lost, and I break even on the "Dollars". But as the National Center always says, "This acreditation will show your professional credentials as certified nationally and increse your earning capacity by at least 50%"
I'm thrilled,....did anyone tell my boss that? Or is groveling and threatening still the best way to get a raise?
In two more years of experiance, two more courses (which I'll have both completed in the next six months) I get to be the "top gun" designation in my field, sort of the Phd. of property management "professionals"
If my timing is right the "Inside a vicious racket" expose I'm writing in my spare time and that designation will both come within the same month! Then we'll see which pays more being a "highly respected, nationally recognized professional" , or the "deep throat" of an industry.
Any bets?
-30-

I am a fundamentally lazy shit!

Yup, it's true. The "pit" is still in disarray from three or four weeks ago when my wife suggested better "fung shei" or whatever it is. There are still six stereo speakers, two or three recievers (all from different lives of yesteryear.), an old 19" TV(that's going to my new office so I can track (God forbid they hit here!) Hurricanes this year, and other assorted shit I said I'd take care of three weeks ago. (sigh!)
Oh and in the process I found this correspondance course I had signed up for about four months ago that I just got to busy to do (quick call and got the deadline extended to April 1st,...oh shit that's only a couple weeks away!)I did the only practical thing for a procrastinater to do with it. I mailed in the accompanying request for the test and proctor and set the date as March 25th, (that motivates me to "gitter dun!". It's not like I don't want to take it, it means a $500 bonus if I pass it, a bevy of little letters after my name on buiness cards, it ups my annual salary value about $10,000, and makes me a really attractive person to hi-jack away from my company for more money! Looks like the pit will go on hold until I finish this course! Oh and I signed up for another, classroom this time, two course, one in May, and one in August! (Glutton for punishment?) When I found out I could get a $500 bonus for each one I passed from my company, enhanced my earning power by a total of 200% if I get the highest level (total of six courses and a "time in grade" factor of three years),...well shit, at the rate I'm taking them I can have it all and be at the educational pinnicle of my profession and salary potential within 18 more months and pick up a cool three thousand in bonuses along the way! What the hell, call me "getting educated" at 62.
Ooops! that's next week. B-day is the 22nd, and even though I'm eligible for the monthly Social Security payment, I'm going to put it off until I'm 65 so I can get the max rate and have no earning "cap" on what I can make. All I got to hope and pray is that our elite cadre of idiot politicians don't screw it all up for me! But then again if they do,...hell you'll read about me in the headlines and on CNN Headline news, see me walking with the leg irons and handcuffs, watch me sitting passively at the defendants table in my attractive international orange jump suit, for the six weeks of the trial and learn all about how society abused me, and I was a victim of my environment, and all that other happy horse shit! Bottom line? Like everyone else in this country I would then be given a "clean and well lighted palce" as Hemingway once wrote, three square meals a day, access to a library, TV, a defined exercise program, etc. etc., and even if they awarded me the death penalty the average American convicted and given the death penalty, spends about sixteen to eighteen years until it's carried out! What with appeals, all the bennies, free medical, dental, food, shelter etc. Shit by them I'd be in my 80's and propbably ready to discuss the "end game"!
Why is it politicains are such freakin' idiots? And how do I get a piece of that action? Let's talk about somneone who earns respect. Who in Washington D.C. has earned respect? My one candidate for it is Senator McCain of Arizona. Seven years in captivity as a Prisoner of War, a diet of rice and bugs, daily beatings, and just all round shit,...that man deserves respect! What the hell has Barack, Hillary, Mr. Hillary, or most of those other losers on the hill done to earn my respect of them?
Boy, how'ed I get to this rant! Guess it's just a Saturday morning plenty of sleep, some free time today, and the weekly venting process. Sorry kids, I ranteth too much today!
-30-

Peace & Quiet,....aaaaaahh!!

My first blog from my new office. No furniture, no storage, but me, Mr. Guinness, my brand spanking new 17" Dell laptop, my Blackberry, and "a clean and well lighted place".
My laptop is on an old glass top patio table, my butt in an old patio chair, and the peace and quiet is OUTSTANDING!!!
More later, right now I better do some work!
Mr. Guinness, signing off from my office on the Gulf of Mexico!

So remind me how this "newer and better" blog format is again!

Only a personal complaint, sorry. When I'm ready to write I just want a one click solution, not four or five screens asking me passwords and user names and google words! Ok , on to the blog today.
I mentioned moving my office and yesterday the company got me a new laptop, holy shit are they getting bigger or what. This one is a brand new Dell 17" screen running the new "vista" operating system. (Super, now I can use the vista that came with my new laptop and upgrade my old laptop and my console unit! Cool!)
Now they just come over and drop this computer on my desk, with the recharger unit, and the "emergency backup O/S CD", plunk there it is have a great day! DUH!! like how am I supposed to drag this thing around with me? No case, nothing. But I was so excited getting it I figured I'd just bop on down to the local Office mega stores and kill an hour or so deciding which case I wanted. (Perhaps the "...rich Corinthian leather" as Ricardo Montelban used to purr for Chrysler cars) Man they had bunches of them and I was like in pig heaven. I did an inital pass of the aisle, glancing at the styles and colors and all. I ruled out the "back pack" models. (Shit can you imagine a 62 year old dude slinging a backpack over his shoulder? Either a broken shoulder, thrown out back, or shattered spine would probably ensue! I'm smiling becasue I can see it! In fact, true story here, about forty years ago when I began working in Boston I had one of those 5" thick leather attache cases that I dragged on the bus, the train, the hike across town, and in and out, every damn day! After about a year or so my back really began bothering me. At twenty something I was really nervous, you know two toddlers, young wife, and possibly some dire prognosis from the Doctor as to my longevity because of some foreign virus thingy! Long story short afteer x-rays, feeling around my back, etc, etc. etc. he tells me he can't find anything wrong. Now that's even scarier, I'm now sure I have contracted some hitherto unknown new nasty thing and will be dead in six months and just be a footnote in some article in ten years in the New England Journal of Medicine! So he gives me a few lame exercises and tells me drop back in on Tuesday morning and let him see if it's any better. "I've got to work Tuesday" I told him, (That was back when a doctor would see you in the evening after working hours) I said ok becasue now I was really getting up tight about it.
So on Tuesday I run by his office on the way to work, he asks me if it's feeling any better, I say NO!, he does one of those "Hmmm"'s I get up to leave and pick up my attache case and he says, "Do you carry that thing around every day?" "Sure" I replied "I do some work on the train and the bus, I need something to put it in." May I see it for a minute", he asks. "Sure" and I stretch my hand out so he can grab it. "God! How much does this weigh?" he asks. I don't know I never weighed it. He takess it over to the scales, weighs it and tapping the attache case he says, "Theres your back pain. Let me guess you carry it only in your left hand, right?" "Yeah, why?" Becasue it weighs over twenty five pounds dummy! Either leave it at home, get rid of the 5" one and get a two inch one, or change jobs,...and come see me next month after you've dumped this anchor for a month! Damned if he wasn't right on!
Now I'm sixty two, getting another "attache case" a/k/a "laptop case", preparing to lug it around, "hmmmm." I guess if my back begins to ache again I won't have to spend money on the Doctor this time, and just get another job, or ask for a raise so I can hire some "neanderthal" from the gym to "carry my shit" around. :)
Well off to the store with the Laptop for a case. So why didn't I buy one yestrday? Because they all had tags saying "fits up to 15.9" laptops" mine has a 17" screen, I came home and tryed my own laptop case to see if it fit, Nope, over an inch too small. Now Don Quioxte goes into battle again seeking to slay the "too small" bags and find one that will work!
-30-

Saturday is the lonliest day of the week

Very true> Take today, I got up with the intentions of going over to check a jobsite in neighboring Panama City Beach. I figured Saturday, most of the workers will be off and I can poke around and really see what kind of progress they are making. Ah, but alas I turned on my 'puter. I was just going to check the bank balances, but one thing led to another and the next thing you know it's cup #3 of coffee, scrounging around in the mail pile for the W-2's (U.S. Income Tax forms that tell you how much you have to declare for tax purposes.)And before you know it the 8:30 a.m. bank balance check turned into 1pm! But I got them done!! And I am supposed to get a refeund back, but that never happens (I'm still going round and round with them and theysimply keep my mpney and "offset it" against the bogus numbers they think I owe them! I'm tempted to rant about the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) but everyone already knows they are the Devil's own spawn, the personification of evil, and soon enough will learn that we dealt with the same shit in 1776 and won.
But I won't, rant that is. Instead I'll rave on about petty shit. One of my accounts has an old wireless "g" router and an access point that won't even service half the building because of it's range. That was until this morning when my maintenance guy called to tell me the whole thing "crashed" and how he'd go get a new one and set it up. To which I said "NO!" I really get pissed at this guy because he wants to find any reason to do "projects" instead of clean the damn place, which is why he's there! "Well, you know a lot of the residents are going to be upset." "OK, and what's your point? Tell them no internet access until monday or tuesday, tell them you're not in the loop, tell them stick it up thier,...no, on second thought just tell them you'll let some one know and then shut the hell up, no opinions, no comments, no how you could go get anew one and install it, not another god damn word, do you understand me? Are we very clear on this?"
I swear sometimes he breaks things just so he can have a "project" instead of emptying the trash, deodorizing the dumpsters and trash cans, vacuuming the carpets, cleaning out the rest rooms, and that mouth! I'm about a hair's breath away from sending him to another property where he will be eaten alive by angry obnoxious old farts whose goal in life is a 24/7 bitch session!
So I went out this afternoon , researched this wireless technology and wound up with a new wireless "n" router that will go four times the range with 12 times the speed and allow up to 125 simpoultaneous connections. I'll go and learn how to install it tomorrow afternoon before the Super (yawn!) Bowl.
Now that's going to be one hell of a boring game, Chicago and Indianapolis, like who cares aside from folks from those two cities. It's more of a local thing versus the East Coast/ West Coast or North versus South kind of thing. Let me go out on a limb here, but the winning team will be from the Mid-West! DUH! who really cares, except the City of Miami which stands to make all the money.
Anyhow, I am ranting, aren't I? Then there was the matter of,....no forget it for tonight. More tomorrow on the world according to Mr. Guinness
-30-

Hey, I get a new office!!

This job I have now is the first one I've ever had where I'm in a "cubicle". I really think this is why workers have become mushrooms (i.e. kept in the dark, covered with shit, and supposedly "growing" in the company! Bull shit! In the "olden days" of office workers it was like a big open football field of people, desks etc. Even the file cabinets were somewhere else that you would have to walk to. Nothing was over 30 inches high so you had unlimited vision and could see a lot of things. Now for all the women out there it meant that you knew exactly who was wearing what, etc. And for the guys it meant the little blonde with the great bod could be ooogled "at will". Now all there is is the damn cubicle! If you stand up the only way you can see anyone is if they are over 6 foot tall, or have either very distinctive hair color (God! Why did she use that color on her hair it looks like a rusty fire engine!) Or in the case of guys "Male pattern baldness" or again the distinctive hair styling. (Man if he ever tried to comb that he'd need a stainless steel horse comb!)
But those days are just about over. I'm moving out of the office to some office space in one of my clients buildings. (Lots of perks!! A full gym, and I mean full, a hot tub, a swimming pool, overlooking the Gulf of Mexico from a height of fifty feet, a gated underground parking garage,....I da' man!!) Ok so I get the use of the gym, but not the rest,...but I can dream can't I? Actually the old maintainence man I used to have at that property was an old "biker" and when there was an apartment in the building empty, that's where he'd crash, weekends at the pool, used to bring over a few of his "biker bimbo's" on the weekend and a case of Bud and hang out at the pool. He was a little scarry becasue none of the owners wanted to tell me about it for fear of retribution. When I did find out I let him go immediateely and kept the eye in the back of my head open for a couple of months, changed all the locks and gate codes, you know the usual "Oh shit" reactionary things.
But again I stray. This new office will at least get me out of the Office and the dreaded "cubicle". I guess I'll stick my head in the GM's office and inquire about the new furniture for the office and see what's said. The new office is equi-distant from my home so no big change there. But my paranoid littel organization insists we come pick up our mail at least four times a week so I'll be "popping by" the old office periodically anyway.
Oh and the latest "big brother" toy, I escaped from from it. The company bought all of us managers new telephones. These Motorola "Q"'s. It's a blackberry type "wunderkind" phone. Has a built in camera, calendar, e-mail features, organizer , etc. oh yeah and you can make and recieve calls on it as well! BUT, (ah yes the mandatory "BUT") it has a piece of software that resides on the companies server, and supposedly it "synch's" your phone periodically. In plain English it let's your phone talk to the server, and it talks back. Or is that in another paranoid context, your phone rats you out to Big Brother. "Why did you call Joe-Joe the bookie twelve times this past week end, he's not a client. And what about the followup you said you did, the phone can foind no record of any e-mail activity or telephone calls between you and the client, and while we are at it the built in GPS indicated your phone was at the beach all afternoon Wednesday, I thought you said you were visiting your key clients all Wednesday afternoon?"
But my Blackberry and I remain resolute and independant, and as a sort of "bribe" not to tell my fellow workers of the "Big brother plot" I was allowed to keep my Blackberry and they even offered me a token monthly stipend to offset the costs!
Speaking of which, loyal readers, I just glanced up and I've got eleven minutes to shower, shave, get dressed, get to the office, and be a useful "troll" in the corporate arena for the day! (Looks like I'm going to be "on property" for the next hour or so before appearing live and in color at the office, or as Ed McMahon used to drawl,.."heeeeeeres Mr. Guinness"
Have a great day and don't try and follow me!
:)
-30-

Sorry folks, the last one was my annual "snowbird" rant!

Well, it's like Al Pacino said in GFIII, "Just when you think you're out they drag you back in!"
After about six years of "the pit" residing in it's "typical" feng shui my loving wife "suggested" I look at re-arranging it a bit. Well five hours later, sweating like a Kentucky derby winner, here I am amidst "piles" again!
The two, no not one, but two, six foot bookcases went from one wall to the other, not bad, but both had to be completely emptied moved, and then re-loaded. (God love the Dude who invented those little "moving men" gizmos or I'd be dictating this to my night nurse inside my body cast, me inside the cast not her, but it does pose an interesting image!) They are different sizes but essentially the ones I love are about as big as an oversized saucer, made of plastic, have a foam type of pad on the saucer and looks like nothing special. But if you tip whatever you want, slide one of these under each corner, and voila, it's like drawing a knife through butter to push or pull whatever you're moving. "And now back to the originally scheduled story."
So anyway, I began sorting through the stuff and making "piles", you know the efficient, organized way of approaching the situation. There was a "supplies" pile, that's for paper for the printer, pads of lined paper (assorted sizes), looseleaf binders, writing paper(resume and "official" shit), pens, paperclips, etc. etc. Well suffice it to say the "supplies" pile is big enough to open a small Office Depot store! Then there was the "BC era" or the "before computers", that consists of my "blogs" going back to the late 1960's. Before computers they were simply called "theraputic journals", and since no one came over the house and found them and sat down and started reading them (interpret in 2007 as "hits") thay have just languished in boxes, drawers, and stuff. (Really mad idea here of posting a few or even starting another blog called "The time machine,...rantings from before blogs"
This was my "renaissance period" as a writer, then I discovered I didn't have to starve, hangout in coffee shops and bookstores, and be ignored,....I could just start a blog! (So that's how we got here, but the forty years of rantings are still available, and the Library of Congress is not knocking at my door for them.
Then there are the computer books, a pile of at least sixty of them, from "Mosaic made easy"( if you need to ask what "Mosaic " is you never witnessed the origins of the wheel!) And "Netscape Beta for beginners", or how about "TCP/IP; a survival guide for users (dated 1983!) and Photoshop v 2.0, Pagemaker v2.3 to 7.0
and "PC's for dummies", or a hundred other such titles. More programs, manuals, templates, and floppy discs going in the trash. It will take about three weeks for the trash guys to get it all. In todays world if you put out too much they just leave it and ignore you!
And then there was my "big red looseleaf" it's a five inch, heavy duty one, in which I cronicle all my business plans, new business concepts and research, etc. I got enough in that to teach three semesters of "Entreprenuerial Development" courses as well as a Phd dissertation. (sigh! it should get the heave ho, but it won't, it's my business mind on speed!)
And the dreaded audio-tapes (cassettes), CD's, and almost twenty-five , no probably over thirty five years of "collecting". Boy what a sorting party that's going to be! And you know not a single one will get pitched! It's music man! It would be somekind of Federal offense to throw music away,...at least!
And I guess it's ok to think about throwing out the pre-2000 income tax returns(yep! got'em al the way back to 1985! And I'm still making the same thing? That sucks, but then again the "same thing" went a lot farther so I guess it's not that my income has not kept pace, but my "overhead" is bonkers!
(Speaking of which I found a new way to drop dead quickly, live in Florida and sit down and open your home owners insurance re-newal package! This shit has to end it's killing us!!! In 2000 when I bought this townhouse my total homeowners insurance, including "Hurricane Insurance" as only $600. My "preferred client", with the "no claims ever filed" discount, and the 2% deductible for 2007 is $5,163.00!!!!
And the easy payment plan (100% in our hands by March 12th or you are cancelled) it's no wonder more folks are going postal! That's over 16.1% of my GROSS annual income (Yo, Doug, you got a spare room?) The deductible is over $6000 by itself. So in plain English I get to pay the insurance company $5,163 for the policy, get to eat the first $6,000 worth of the claim, get to pony up at leat $5,000 more to get a new roof when mine blows away in the hurricane, haave to wait for them to decide IF theyare going to cover the rest of the cost of the new roof (about $10,000 total),hmmmmmm, ...seems to me this really sucks the big one! And guess what, if you have a mortgage you MUST carry it. Plus you think the bank gives a shit if your roof blew off? But be one week late with the mortgage payment, hurricane or no hurricane, and you are worse than Jeffrey Dahmer, or John Wayne Gacy as far as thier Rottweiler Department (asshole telephone collection dudes and dudettes) are concerned.
Well this has gotten my blood pumping sufficiently that I can get ready to go to work now, but GOD HELP the first asshole snowbird or "illegal parking" Nazi that has the misfortune of dialing my number today. They may wish they stayed in the womb, or better yet had not been concieved! (Yeah, I got attitude today, and I need to kick somebodies cat becasue it's only 7:30 am, too early to go have a pint and calm down.
I'm sensing a 2 prozac kind of day!
-30-

Where have I been,...what have I been doing??

God, just happened to be on the 'puter and noticed I haven't written in a couple of weeks! Where have I been and what am I doing to have denied the world my wry and sage pile of shit to guide thier lives! Have no fear, for as my buddy Jack (Nicholson that is) says,...."I'mmmmm back!"
First of all to my friend Lucy enjoying the sun and beaches while I suffer through our "winter" (it's ONLY going to be 53 today, where is my fur coat and gloves!). Ok we neeed to cut a deal here. First you want Eliot, now I'm hearing rumblings about Denozo! Ok I'll settle for Catherine, Olivia, and throw in the Mossad chic since she'll have no one to beat on if you grab Denozo. Do we have a deal?
And to princess a/k/a/ Amber,don't worry about your sister on the beach, only the crazies from Minnasota and Canada think it's warm enough for that here. I live in a place called Destin (between Pensacola and Panama City) and those folks are the only ones to be seen in hot tubs and heated pools. (Oooh, oh! Evil thoughts entering my sick mind; perhaps if I turn the temp up on the hot tub high enough I can "boil" a few, or like we locals are so fond of saying, "If it's snowbird season how many can I bag?")
"Snowbird" - a subspecies from the American and Ontario provice of Canada. Fond of stealing salt and pepper shakers, packets of sugar and equal, ordering one meal and an extra plate, Academy Award acting skills "Oh, you mean I can get 2 dozen raw oysters on the half shell for only 99 cents,....oh how wonderful I didn't know that!" (Maybe that's because your mind is shot, and you've said the same thing everyday for the past six weeks when you come in strangely only between 5 pm and 6pm when the Oyster special is on!!) Usually of the higher end "senior citizen" level i.e. over 72 years old. Able to do thier own cooking channel show called "Dining for 32 cents a month,...everywhere we go!" or "secrets for free meals"
"Waiter, I hate to bother you, but this fried fish is so greasy it's making me nauseous, I think it may be undercooked or something, do we have to pay for this?"
Waiter Cha-che: "Well of course not the entire thing, I can understand that sir, now, let me see, 96% of the fried fish is eaten, all the salad and breadsticks, oh and there was that second order of crackers and butter, not to mention the half eaten potato that was undercooked as well and you sent back and we replaced with the whole new one, which by the way is also missing from the plate, including it's skin, ...hmmmm, with the adjustment for the Ketchup you mixed with the complimentary four or five glasses of water you asked for during your meal, ah, the tabasco sauce you also threw in with the Ketchup and water, salt and pepper, ....I can adjust your bill by $0.16, and of course that will include the reduction in the meals tax as well. Oh,...and the only favor I would ask is please don't leave the pennies as a tip, the two dimes and the nichol ok, and if you should drop a Quarter in for my attention to the detail of your dining experiance with us I would be most appreciative.
"Thank you waiter,....you've been so kind. Oh one more thing do you have about a dozen of those packets with the moist towelette in it, my fingers feel so greasy and those little things are so tiny!"
"But of course, I'll be right back with your change."

Multiply that scenario by 50 per night and that's snowbird season. And they bug the shit out of me in my job managing property as well.
As God is my judge, yesterday I get a call from one (Ontario province of course) telling me she lost $1.25 in the washing machine and wanted a refund immediately. I explained I would most likely be over on Monday or Tuesday and would give her the money back at that time, nice and friendly, smile in my voice, etc. THEN she says, "And what about last year, I lost another $1.25 last year, and no one gave me a refund, I want that back Monday too!!" (So I have $2.50 in quarters festering in our cat's litter box this weekend and I'll see she gets her $2.50 in quarters back on Monday! Is that prompt and efficient service or what?
And the pool temperature nazi's are all over the place.
"You advertised this pool was heated, and it's not I want a reduction in my rates, we came down here because you said it was heated, I don't want to have to call my attorney about false advertising and a consumer rip-off so you better do something for us!"
"Sir it is heated, we keep the pool at 79 degrees, the acknowledged standard by the American Red Cross for heating pools yet controlling bacterial growth"
"I don't give a shit we want it up to 90 degrees, my wife has arthritis and that makes it feel better."
"That's why we have a hot tub sir, have her try that."
"That little thing is so tiny she can't swim in it, it'll only accomdate four people all sitting still."
" Sir the additional costs of heatin the water to those levels you've indicated are extremely expensive and we can not afford it based on the rates you are paying. In fact sir I would be more than happy to refund your $600 for the remaining two months of your stay with us and give you the opportunity to seek other lodging with wamrer pools."
"What are you a smart ass! I ain't going some where else, the prices at the other places is almost 50% higher than here."
"Then sir I strongly suggest you shut the hell up or I'll turn the heat up so high this place will be the scene of the Coast's largest Boiled dinner and the cannibal "bubba's" from neighboring states will be raving about the spread for years to come! Oh, and have a nice day! :)
Aaaah! I guess I can but dream, but there's only 60 days left until they all fly north again to pester the shit out of thier own families and friends who can't afford to escape and be "troll trainees"
'ave a ruddy nice day, hey what,,....y'all!