Thursday, April 19, 2007

Confused? Here's the solution!

For those who jumped in and are totally confused you need this road map.
Start reading four blogs back at "The Phases of Life", then read forward, and in retrospect I really confused even me with the Phase Numbers and the Part numbers, but you'll get the drift.
No i'm not depressed (much), nor have I lost it, I just started one of my "stream of consciousness things" and just let it flow. Usually my once a week, and occasionally twice a week were fine but these four parts took on a different twist and all rolled out in about 24 hours.
Back for another spin at lif in a day or so, schedule is incrediblly full the next few days.
Mr. G.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Phase 5 - "Hot damn,...I'm still here! Are you awake honey?"

This one is a stretch for anyone who is not there yet. So it's perhaps more hopeful, or maybe the reverse, of what it really will be, but for you, dear readers, I will try.

Now back to today, Phase 5 - "Hot damn,...I'm still here! Are you awake Honey?"
Humor, inject more humor, life is fun!
It's like the guy who goes to the rest home to visit his Dad, who is 97 and asks the nurse how he's doing, and if there are any new "meds" (medicines) he's taking. She looks at the chart and says "Nothing but the Viagra his Doctor started him on last week. The guy immediatly goes nuts! "What? are you crazy, putting a 97 year old man on Viagra? His heart couldn't take it!"
The nurse smiles and says" You don't understand the Viagra works fine and keeps him from rolling over and falling out of bed and getting hurt, we give it to all the older men."

As I go through life I wonder more about this phase than any other. This is the phase that is internalized more than you'll ever know now. It's the Phase that is characterized by the questions. The ones you never want to ask, let alone know the answers to them.
For example, "Am I here by myself, and where is my "soul mate"? And after all these years can I do for myself any more or just become a burden on others? Where are those who should be visiting me, or do they expect me to buy a Harley and run over to thier place? What is there to eat, it all tastes the same now. And either there is something wrong with me and they are not telling me, or I'm just like a worn out tire and will just keep being til I finally just burst or go flat for the final time and I can't be patched anymore.

Is waking up every day really a whole day, sometimes it's in the middle of the night sometimes it's the middle of the afternoon, who knows anymore,...am I really happy I'm still here?

My "soulmate" is either gone or they won't tell me what's happening to her, I never see her anymore, I never get to hold her anymore, I never even get to touch her hand, or her face, or her hair. Where is she?

Was the sun out yesterday?

How long am I going to be here God?

Time for another nap,...................


Post Script:

Oh shit! Just had a dumb thought. Many of you who read this are probably much younger than I (62), except you Doug, but I won't tell. So when I get to Phase 6 of life the, "The End", how will you know, not that it will matter to me then. But I suppose somewhere in my little ego there are several cells vibrating and saying, "Gee, I hope they do know,...and I hope they at least cared."
So here's the drill. If I "Go" you will know because a month will go by without a single rant, rave, or other "blog". I will write a note for my wife, my kids, or whomever and tell them exactly how to open my computer, open my "blog", enter the proper code word and passwords, and then instruct them that they are to simply write a one line entry and hit "publish". Here is the entry I'll never see, and I hope you don't either, for another 40 years or so;

".....and so he goes."
-30-
Mr. Guinness

(Maybe you can spare a minute and reply, tell my wife, my kids, or whomever just write them "He loved you too,...and so it goes." Thank you.)

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Phase 4 - "The Golden Years"

And as Frank Sinatra croons in the background,..."regrets,..I've had a few,..but then again too few to mention", we begin our journey called Phase 4.
"Stay in a small tight group, please campers, this is all new territory to me as well, and I don't want anyone lost in this place"

Now why do we call it the "Golden Years"? Easy 'cause if you ain't got the gold you ain't gonna see them years! (And I'm serious!)
Up 'til now, the Phase 2- Carefree, wonderful period provided the "Gatorade" to keep out spirits up, give us a boost through tough times, kick our ego's back up about ten notches and to give us the opportunity to try those things we did back then and tell everyone else (ooops! I mean "lie to everyone else") about what we had done in life. ("Man back at College we used to go through fifteen cases a beer a weekend, just me and my buddy! And talk about women,....they was like 'One a day multiple brand vitamins', oh yeah, I remember it all clear as a bell.")That was the fuel of Phase 3.
Now entering Phase-4, you get up , look in the mirror and can admit to yourself, that you are full of shit.(This begins about 60 years of life*) But just like a lot of "mutations" I talked about in the Phase I & II blog,... you are ok with it.
(*Note we have changed from "age" to "life" because now that's what it is, "A life examined")
From thirty to sixty, that is the real "ME" period. You have all you can do to take care of "ME" and the "ME's" you've come to call your "dearest and nearest". By 60, your parents are usually gone, (and to quote the great Kurt Vonnegat who died yesterday in New York)..and so it goes. Your kids are "grown" and somewhere in Phases 2 or 3, depending on how you and your "soul-mate" planned your lives,...and so it goes. You're "best friends from Phase 2 & 3, well,... some have died, some are on they're third, fourth or fifth marriage, and the ones you still know, they are,...well, just like you,...and so it goes.
Now you are in the real "what do I want out of life" era, and the answer is two-fold. First you want respect. Not the Hollywood Star respect, not the Secretary General of the U.N. respect, not the limo and chaueffer respect,...just the respect of being a human being who got to this point and has tried very hard to provide for thier parents, siblings, children, neighbors and friends, and above all your "soul mate". (Quick aside; "Soul Mates" are hard to find, hard to really lose despite the human propensity to be f***ing stupid and do f***ing stupid things to each other. I believe a "soul mate" is like life, you are only going to get one. It may take you a number of times to find them, but I believe in a God who will make it happen for you, you will find them,...but YOU have to recognize them!)
Now this period is when the human body wears out, or begins to. A guy you played golf with last year starts showing up at the pub in a wheel chair, if you go to church you begin to see folks you knew ten or fifteen years ago that gave you shit about going to church every Sunday, now they are there in the third pew every week,... and they pray hard. You stop for your daily "pint" and casually ask about a guy that you hadn't seen for the past month or so,.. "Oh he had a stroke,..he's in re-hab now. They say he's doing ok, you'd hardly notice how much he slurs and his right arm will come back to about 60% the doctor told his wife."
At first you'll get depressed because that could be you, and you know it! But then after six months to a year you get to be alright with that too,...and so it goes.
But your world is shrinking. Some are dying off, some are moving away to the "retirement" parts of the country, some are moving to the "retirement homes" of the country, and you are simply looking to survive. You don't care about the new "technology" any more. You haven't a clue what is new in the "music scene", you re-discover so many things of your Phase 1 - Growing up era,like playing cards, reading a book, and just plain talking with other people. You can sit and write a "blog" and be honest, because that's just who you are, how you feel, and what you believe,....and so it goes.
You are still tied to this earth by "the Gold" so it becomes much more important. Decisions have to be made by some as to whether to buy the perscription for the blood pressure, or enough food to eat until the week end. Some hunker down over thier "portfolios" every day to be sure they never have to make those kind of decisions, and yet others just "start a new life".

Starting a new life is easy at this age. It's almost like Popeye says "I am whats I am". It's too late to make many significant changes in your lot in life, the respect you wanted "back then" is non-existant, if you want to wallow in "pity parties" fine, so what the hell,...start a new life.
Go to work in some little job doing some little something, for some little pay. You get some BIG respect there. Go volunteer and help somebody else who can't. There ain't no bigger boost to self respect than that, and after all self respect is the most important kind.
While "old farts" cuddling up on the couch is replulsive to some I defy anyone to tell me, or anyone else, that "cuddling" is not the best medicine for anything, anytime, anywhere, at any age.
Kick back and explore the world, maybe you can't actually go to the far reaches of the world, but I'd trade the beauty of going there via a book, a film, or a travel-log at that age,... over a case of "Montezuma's revenge" in the mid sixties!
But then again, remember how a sun rise looked, or a sunset, or azure waters lapping on a snow white beach, or a little hummingbird just hanging in mid-air, or the gentle warmth of the sun in the late afternoon, and the gentle breeze on the porch in the evening. Of course you do, you now know thier importance in life, so see the sunrise, the sunset, the beach, the hummingbird, and feel the breeze. This is the YOU time of your life.
The "you time" is way different from the "me time" the you time is unselfish, honest and best when shared with that "Soul Mate", a son or daughter, or a grandchild, or just with a friend.
It is a period of transendental movement for you. You will transend yourself, your world, and your age. You will find that you have indeed found what man has sought for the ages.
You have found,... the meaning of life, and you have lived it.

Phase 5 - "Hot damn,...I'm still here. Are you awake Honey?" will be published on Wednesday and will conclude this "blog".
Back to being just a "blogger" later in the week.

-30-

The Phases of Life - Part II

Ok, for anyone who is not too depressed or who has not slashed thier wrists yet, or running down the street yelling "Not me! It ain't gonna happen to me!" from reading yesterday's Phases of Life Parts I & II here we go for today.
Oh, just as a very brief summary of parts I & II in case your scroll button quit working, it's simple. "Yes Virginia,...we do eat dessert first, (or do we?)"

Phase III - or the "You better get your shit together" period. This starts out in the 35 to 45 year period. The darling little angels you've spawned seem to want to exercise thier rights to Phase I of thier own life, the carefree, wonderful period. But you in your "been there, done that" style, (substitute the word "wisdom")try and save them from themselves, but guess what? They won't listen! Does that really come as a shock to you? It shouldn't. But I digress.
Soon you learn that adding sufficient antiacid tablets, (the damn food in this world is getting crazy, it must be the Jalepeno's and other foreign stuff) , Ibuprofhen for the aches, and the "new" regimen of an 81mg. "baby" asprin daily, added to your Phase I multi-vitamin, B-complex and 1500 mg. Vitamin C (time released of course) are just barely getting you through most days. But then either one of your "friends at work", or "the guy down the block" drops dead. You sluff it off. But your wife doesn't. All of a sudden you start noticing the menu at home changes a bit. "Honey, are we out of butter? How come this "canola spread" thing is here, and why did they cut back on the number of rolls in that little frozen tin thing?" Or it may seem like you need a Safari guide to find the red meat on your plate, or you begin to wonder why you are growing gills after what seems like fish every night for a year!
Then one night, after dinner, as you loosen your belt a notch, ("No I'm not getting fat, the damn leather is shrinking, the belt is ten years old, but it's my favorite!) Then you lean back in your recliner to see if both your socks are the same color. (Hey! It happens, it's dark in the morning. When you're getting dressed for work at 5a.m., because you have that damn report that has to be done today, you become acutely aware that turning on the light would most likely cause a sensation like a pillow hitting you in the side of the head and a sound, a sort of garbled angry mumbling from the creature of the black lagoon sort of sound, coming up from under the covers where you thought your loving wife, mother of your children, your beautiful idol of 20 or so years, your partner in everything, had leaned over from and sweetly kissed you good night last night!
Anyway as you try and convince yourself that it's just the light that makes one sock look blue, and the other black, your wife comes in and says something like, "You know our health insurance covers a physical every year for you and you haven't had one since we've been married." (We are now entering the "selective era"of Phase III, that's when wife begins to think hubby is going deaf, and hubby has mastered the focused concentrated stare of a the most skilled diamond cutter about to make the final cut, on whatever is blathering from the television) He grunts. (not being sure if it's a "yes" or a "no" grunt, wife continues) "You know you're not getting any younger" Now he's forced to reply, "Ok, so call and make me an appointment." (That takes care of that,...he thinks.) a week or so later he's getting instructions on getting blood work done before the appointment and things like a colonoscopy before the appointment, as he's getting toward fifty, oh and after the initial physical there will most likely be a "stress test" and electrocariogram. this is when the Phase 3 becomes full blown, and they try and kill you on a damn treadmill!
"Shit, what if I'm not ok?" "Shit, what if I am the next "guy at the office"!" And the panic mode sets in! You're lawyer gets space in your speed dial, as does your stock broker, your banker, and your insurance guy,...what was his name? You've got them all jumping like a chicken on a hot griddle and you haven't even got the blood drawn yet. That's why this phase is the "You better get your shit together" period.
Three months later,...you are going back to church, the beer in the fridge is of the "Light" variety, the produce drawer is also crammed full of every form of rabbit food on this earth, and you now seem to see the "cholesterol count" on the label before you even see what's in the can. But you are still a doubter,..."He's just putting me on that cholesterol pill to get more free lunches from the drug salesmen, and how can I have high blood pressure, shit I'm so laid back I can crawl under a snakes belly without even mussing my hair!!" (Good news women, at this point the male ego is pliable, he may be a doubter,...but he's not a gambler. He'll take whatever the doctor tells him to and mutter something like feeling like "a damn guinea pig". Smile inwardly as he still believes he is the first cousin of Superman!)
TV is now something that has become a reverse alarm clock. You turn it on, sit back and "poof" you are snoring (at least that's what she alleges!) But you are now comfortable that you and her are really "mates", she does Suduko stuff, you are trying to calculate in your head exactly how much you got coming when you retire (and it's still in the "if you retire" background as you look at the mortgage payment, the cost of health insurance, a new car now that is almost twice what you paid for your first house almost 30 years ago! Yup, retirement is looking like dim!)
(Guys, beware of the dreaded "Red Hat Society". It's a club kind of thing for women over fifty. I heard one interviewed last week and the host asked her what they did and she said "We shop and we eat lunch out together several days a week" I'm not lying that's what she said!! It's not too late to consider a pre-nuptial agreement is it?)
Oh and yes you are absolutely right. Don't throw out the old clothes they come back around every fifteen years or so, I don't care what SHE says!
Well What's his name married what's her name and there's a little kid who shows up three or four nights a month at the house, calls you Gramp Pa, that we have to "babysit for" while his folks (one of whom, the phase 2 man that supposedly is your son who is going bald, keeps calling you "Dad"!)
"Hey honey, screw it we could both be dead next week, let's take acruise this fall."
"But the savings we've worked so hard to accumulate,, we might need it to be more comfortable in retirement. You know you're 58 now, and 65 comes around quickly."
"Yeah,...I guess you're right. Then let's go out to that new Italian restaurant that just opened for dinner."
"Tom, you know that's going to aggravate your ulcer, all the acid in the tomato sauce, and all."
"Well how about the Chinese place then."
"Same thing, the MSG and the salt, plus a lot of that Chinese food is fried, and Lord only knows what kind of oil or fat they use,... not that they would tell you if you asked."
"Shit, I'm only 57, what the hell happens when I hit 60????"

That will be the next Installment. (Cue the announcer!)

"Will Tom see 60, the Phase 4 of Life - "The Golden Years". And then dear reader, there is Phase 5, that begins at 75 years of age. It's titled from the early morning wake up comment of former "Golden Year Graduates". It's called the "Hot Damn,... I'm still here, ..you awake Honey, period"

Saturday, April 14, 2007

The phases of life!

Thus far a great day, in great measure because of my friend Jezzy and her blog. (See my sidebar for her link) Ok, it's waxing philosophically time here in "the Pit".
Jezzy, you touched a nerve, it's been where I am now that's been putting me in "blue funk" land, and a lot of the time I forget my own credo to "step back, smell the roses, and move up to a higher place in your mind and heart" life is a fleeting thing and he who takes it too seriously gets to the end and says "Is that it? Is That all there is?",....because they missed it as they lived it. I tend to be the most guilty about that, if the truth be known.
Before you finish my this blog, please go read Jezzy's, then come back.

Phase 1 - Carefree, wonderful fun, and unbridled enthusiasm. This is the 16th to 30th years of your life. (1 to 16 were just learning and accumulating "stuff", advise from friends and parents, advise from teachers, advice from coaches, and advise from "best friends".) Into the 15 years of the "carefree period" you begin to experiment with life, focus on anything within your line of sight, and particularly appearing in your mirror. You push to know exactly how many beers can I consume before I pass out (shit, I lost count and don't remeber,..sigh, ..guess I'll have to do it again!)My body just never fails me, by twenty three, or four, not a sign of a "beer belly", and still strong as an ox without a worry of having to "work out". And girls,....well they are out there like so many flowers waiting to be gathered up. Yeah we have to work, but that's only "because", because we need more money for beer, a faster sharper car, a "get-a-way" to the Islands to see what else is out there with my "buds" (mates in Australian talk I think). Now this phase is the foundations of our memories that will accompany us for the remaining years of our journey. It doesn't "end" like a race, it sort of "mutates" beginning around 25 and shuddering it's last breath at about thirty.
Mutation - a change from the original as required, dictated, or evolved in the journey of life

Phase 2 - I'm a responsible adult,..almost! This is where memories of carefree and wonderful become the padding in our lives to keep us moving forward despite reality beginning to intrude. Parenthood, better job, or uncontrolled urge to "go it on my own", the old "bod" not cooperating as well as it used to (three beers and 9p.m. is a must to be "bright eyed and bushy tailed" for tomorrow, and monday through friday "parties" are an absolute no-no.) So what's it going to take to make more and be able to get rid of the old futon and get a real bed, (maybe that's why my back aches!) or how about a little better wardrobe, like maybe more that a drawer full of tee shirts and four pair of jeans, and thoughts like "sure would be nice, I mean really nice to find a real "soul mate" and settle in a bit. I guess girls really are women now and are more muti-functional" that I thought before. Oh and I know I'm not the one with the "biological clock", but it might be nice some times to just hang out with my own kid, you know, throw a baseball, kick a soccer ball, go nutsy on some junk food. (sigh) gee I guess I am getting older.
(FLash forward a couple of years) "Honey, why's the baby crying again I changed his diapers this morning when I woke up and it's only noontime!" And then you sit down to be sure you have enough for you and your wife to take that weekend get-a-way when your sister comes to visit for a week,...."Honey, where did all the money go?" We seem to be paying a hospital full of Doctors all the time. My old dog Herbie never got this many shots and he turned out fine!"
"And how much does the baby eat anyway, the grocery bills have almost doubled"
"I guess we can skip the weekend away and just have the Johnson's over for a cook out, he can bring the beer."
Then phase 2 begins to wane beginning at about 40 or so. "Honey maybe we ought to think about joining a health club or something, you know? I just can't drop this extra ten pounds and my jeans are shrinking or something. Are you using a new laudry detergent or something?"
"Oh and Bob and Mac asked me to go play golf with them Saturday morning, you don't mind do you? I mean you are usually doing your shopping, and Little Bobby has that two day football camp thing this week end, and Laurie and her girl friends are all going to some party at the sorority so she'll be upstairs with the other two giggling and screeching all day with that "stuff" they call music blaring."

Phase 3 - .....

Got to wait til tomorrow for phase three (hint: been there done that, getting the tee shirt in a few more years) and my look ahead into (God I love Star Trek!) "Where no man has gone before." (Cue the orchestra, cue the Orchestra, quick)

Today's brain teaser who used to say "TTFN"? Winner gets a secret report on the final 2008 United States election results,...next week!

-30-

Monday, April 09, 2007

We are all going seriously mad!!

Get ready for what I call an "old fart post". It's just that the older I get the absolutely daffier this entire world gets!! Help! Where are the Martians when you really need them!
I'm going to number these things so I can get them all done. Obviously it's going to take more than a single "blog" to handle them. Secondly I'm asking for your help as well. I'm sure each and every one of you has things which really "trip your trigger" as well. Comment at the end of this and let me know you're "hot button" and we'll see if I agree or not.
(Oh! Great concept "Hot Buttons" maybe I can design something and we can award them to worthy poster as well as market them on the net!)

#1 - Ok I'm a Christian, a Roman Catholic in fact. My life beliefs include a "God" who does not advocate hurting other human beings. Now my Jewish friends have a "God" who according to thier Bible says basically if they hurt you you can hurt them! (The eye for an eye thing.)Now who the hell are these "whacko's" whose "God" tells them if they ain't with us,..."off 'em"? Now I'm not saying all Muslims are bad, as neither are all anybody else "bad", but what I am saying is simply that it's time to "saddle up" and go find these clowns and do WHATEVER IT TAKES" to rid them from breathing the air of intelligent people. Bigot you say,...NAY says I. I'd blow them away as soon as I'd blow away a whacko Jew, or a whacko Christian! They are not Muslims, Jews, or Christians at all. They are the evangelical branch of the Fundamentally Whacko Church!
Now Hitler made no provision for "good" or "bad" amongst the Jews and Gypsies and non-heterosexuals of the world,...hence he was a certifiable WHACKO. And these dudes are as well. Take off the gloves and let's just do it! Shoot them in the street and leave them to bleed to death, torture and humiliate them where ever and when ever you find them,...anyone with a problem with that? Oh, but what about the innocent ones, I hear form the back of the room. If you're innocent stand up and be counted, rat out a bad guy, show us, (the rest of the world) how really civilized you want to be. Don't say your prayers five times a day and then go home and stash some C4 for your neighbor. Shove it up his ass and air condition his colon for him!!
I keep going back to Winston Churchill who once said "there are only two countries in the Middle East, Egypt and Isreal, ...the rest are all tribes."
Let's just call the old "biggie" in Pakistan and give him two weeks to turn over the local "Whackos" and prove he gave us all of them, or we'll just come in and get them ourselves. How do we tell? Easy We give all the guys a sixpack of Bud, a Playboy magazine, and see who says "No", they are gone! Let's pack Gitmo up to the roof until the whole damn nation of Cuba sinks into the ocean. (Bye Fidel we let you lolly gag around about six decades too long anyway!
Then the whacko Iranians!